Yesterday I went to the doctor to get some shots and a physical so I can move on campus this august.

I told her I had been suffering from Anorexia Nervosa.

Everything in my head screamed at me to stop. "No, don't tell the doctor! They'll monitor you! You won't be able to control your weight! That's the only control you have left!" But the louder my brain screamed the firmer my decision. I told her everything. And now I'm on watch.

I don't know where I got the strength to do it... To let go of that last bit of control I had over my life. But I did it. It was terrifying. It still is. You can't just take something like that back.

But then I got scared. I had NOTHING left to control. I didn't know what was going on with Brad, I couldn't make myself feel better by starving myself. So I decided to try to control him.

I pressed him SO hard to reject me. I laid it on him heavy. Even though it was the last thing I wanted in the world... My desire to control the situation at that moment outweighed my desire for him.

But he didn't bite! I pushed and pushed to get him to admit he didn't love me and never would. But he wouldn't budge. He said he couldn't tell me that because it wouldn't be true. He wants to wait. He wants to see where this goes. I talked to him about everything. I told him what everyone told me. How love cures commitment-phobia and all that. And he was so sweet and supportive through all of it. He isn't afraid of the commitment. He's just so used to a trend... A trend of going after the girl he wants and getting burned.

Of course I apologized profusely afterward. I hated myself for letting my desire for control influence my behavior. Especially towards him. But he wasn't mad! He said he WANTS me to get it off of my chest when I feel that way. He talked me through it and everything.

He says I'm close to bringing out that inner strength he sees in me. He was so proud of me for talking to the doctor and he was just great.

So, I'm feeling better about everything. Yesterday I ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner for the first time in months.

I'm gonna win, guys. I found hope... I found strength... In him